Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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