If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
