i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
