After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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