We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
