You don't have asthma, your pregnant
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I think im going to throw up on grandma
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
