Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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