yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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