Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
