Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
