If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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