Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I met the friendliest cop last night
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
