Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
