I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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