Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
