I could make wine with my vomit
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
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