I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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