When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
