dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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