The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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