I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
