Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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