Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
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