she smelled like a LAN party
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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