it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
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