Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
