the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
