1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
