My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If its not for food we ain't going out.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
