Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
