and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
