My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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