I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
