dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
