i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
