i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
