I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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