Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
