So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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