I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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