there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Sorry about my life...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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