You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
