Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
