She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Did I show you my penis last night?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
