i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
