You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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