Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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