i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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