Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
