There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I deserve this hangover.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
