just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
