He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
This is the high leading the old right now
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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